What if Bono stormed Fianna Fail?

It may seem as if the immediate to medium-term future for Fianna Fail is consigned to being in opposition. The size and grandeur of the party could be a mere shadow of its former self. However, there is one foolproof ace in the hole that would ensure certain electoral success.

Envisage this; Bono decides to enter himself into public life. The U2 frontman and spokesperson for global poverty and AIDS decides to run for the seat vacated by George Lee. Just think; it would be George Lee times a thousand.

We’re a fickle bunch, us Irish that’s for sure. But, could the South Dublin constituency resist surrendering their number one preference to him? After all, it would be for the man that brought us “With or Without You”, “All I Want Is You” and middle-aged men wearing large fluorescent-coloured sunglasses indoors.

Of course, being Bono (the most famous man to come out of Ireland ever, ever, ever) nothing but the top job would suffice. This is where Fianna Fail, namely Brian Cowen, will have to bite the bullet, and let their metaphorically massive egos bow down to the mother of all egos, and offer Bono the leadership.

If George Lee’s surreal by-election win from last year is anything to go by, Bono will wipe the floor with his intellectually (and soon-to-be politically) inferior adversaries. Alex White of the Labour Party might win a few pity votes for nobly trying again, but he will ultimately be washed away on the giant wave of enthusiasm that would be Bonomania.

Forget the economy, the banks, the IMF, the state of the healthcare service, that very brand could reinvent Irish politics forever – “Fianna Fail Presents: Bonomania 2010”.

Of course, there will be the obvious naysayers that will dust off the old, worn-out ‘all style, no substance’ nonsense, well good luck to you. How is this for (stylishly) substantial –

Bono is at the Fianna Fail Ard Fheis, alone on the stage, the keynote speaker. The room is completely dark except for a lone spotlight on the man himself, strumming slowly and beautifully on an old acoustic guitar, singing about “righting life’s wrongs” and “turning debts into songs”.

Once he is installed, and Cowen gracefully waddles off his throne, Bono can begin to keep us massively motivated with his Churchillian speeches. We may be entering into a generation of constant debt, but we will smile on the beaches, we will smile in the fields and we will smile when we see our bank accounts, regardless of the figure.

Once General Election time finally comes, Bono will ensure victory by refusing to debate with the less famous, less charismatic and less urbane Enda Kenny. With every justification, he will simply perform two speeches in Croke Park, followed by one each at Punchestown Race Course and Thomond Park for the boggers.

For those that cannot make it to these highly sought-after performances, the gigs will be sold on Sky Box Office for €49.95 each. These four nights work by Bono alone will subsequently pay for the Fianna Fail party for years to come.

This wondrous dream could all become a euphoric reality. All Brian Cowen has to do is grab the phone and shlap in Bono’s number.

Of course, with the surreal happenings of our country recently, the people may vote The Pogues into government off the goodwill from listening to 'Fairytale of New York' over Christmas. However, that would require keeping Shane MacGowen sober long enough to start up his own party. Surreal country? Yes. Downright bizarre? Not quite yet.